Nevada: Still Got It

In 1995 some guy named Norman Crampton published a book about the top 100 small towns in the United States. His criteria for rating the towns included things like: the quality of schools and hospitals, per capita income, downtown commerce, recreational facilities, education of the population, tax levels, and the cost of home ownership.

Extra points were awarded if you were a county seat (take THAT Ames!).

In 1995 Norman Crampton listed Nevada, IA as #26 on his comprehensive, definitive list. Predictably, the town went completely ape shit. Assemblies were held, tee shirts printed ("26 is #1!"), explanatory papers assigned, and the #26 basketball jersey, formerly ignored, was now hotly contested athletic apparel.

What's that? Incredulous parents would say, the 26th best small town in the state of Iowa?

No you idiots, the children would reply, offended and indignant. We are officially the 26th best small town in the NATION. All the data is in, all relevant factors have been weighed by impartial judges; the results have arrived and we are #26. This is practically scientific.

And until a few days ago, I had thought that it was all over. That all that remained of Nevada's storied heyday were my own dim memories, a few threadbare tee shirts, and around 300 copies of Mr. Crampton's book collecting dust in the Nevada Public Library.

Which is why I was relieved to find out that this isn't even remotely the case.

The other day my mother was going through old clippings and files and handed me an article about a war protest that she had organized in Nevada. My eyes immediately drifted to this headline in the column to the right: "Nevada: Still listed among best small towns" (pictured above). (For a more humorous reading, please note the delicious juxtaposition of the headline immediately to the left: "Residence searched for meth lab").

Apparently, 7 years later, Mr. Crampton released another book and, once again, Nevada made the list. It's kind of a downer because he just published a list of 120 towns, in no particular order, so we don't know if we've moved up or down on the Cramptometer. All we know is that, according to at least one person in the nation, we are among the 120 best small towns in America.

Also noteworthy are the four other Iowa towns that made the top 120: Decorah (one of the prettier towns in Iowa), Grinnell (happy home of the most liberal campus in the world), Spencer (always on these kinds of lists), and Washington (I hear it has a cool fountain).

Until the next book I'll just be keeping myself busy printing up some new tee shirts. I feel like "A figure between 1 and 120 is #1" has a kind of nice ring to it.

Call me if you'd like to place an order.

God Charged With Solicitation

Officials in Iowa City yesterday revealed that they would be seeking charges against God, the Eternal Father, for the inchoate offense of solicitation.

Though the news has been met with resistance from various theological and legal organizations, county officials insist that the crime, which they define as “any act which incites or induces another to commit a crime,” has been committed.

County Attorney Doug Schroeder claims that such solicitation is explicitly enshrined in the Bible, a book authored by God at the beginning of time and transcribed by mortals the following Tuesday. Though the original mortal conduits have long since passed away, Schroeder noted that the “existence of some troubling passages could lead to some pretty sticky legal issues for this God feller.”

Amongst other passages, Schroeder noted Deuteronomy 13:7-11, which reads “If your brother. . .or your son or daughter. . .or your most intimate friend, tries to secretly seduce you, saying ‘Let us go and serve other gods,’ . . . you must not consent. . . you must show him no pity, you must not spare him or conceal his guilt. No, you must kill him, your hand must strike the first blow in putting him to death and the hands of the rest of the people following. You must stone him to death, since he has tried to divert you from Yahweh your God. . .”

Critics are divided about how to attack Schroeder’s claim.

Some , like historian Andy Jenkins, claim that the case is simply one of misinterpretation. “What Schroeder doesn’t understand is that, through the ages, and through all the translations, the words have lost their original meaning. For example, stoning, in Biblical times, actually meant kisses. And death--this is kind of funny and counterintuitive-- actually meant ‘happy life.’ So you see, what the Bible really urged people to do was ‘kiss nonbelievers to happy life.’”

Others claim that, though the passage speaks for itself, and is indeed urging people to kill their fellow humans for their liberated, independent thoughts, they claim that Schroeder has unfairly picked passages that portray God in a singularly bad light while deliberately refraining from showing all the beautiful, heartwarming passages about not stoning the non-believers to death.

Schroeder responded, “Look, we just put a union leader in prison after a speech he made the other month. Now, he might have made all sorts of great claims about brotherhood and solidarity, but when he urged people to start bombing the factory and killing the scabs, he crossed the line and committed solicitation, plain and simple.”

When reached for comment, God scoffed at the allegations. While He has conceded that subject matter jurisdiction exists in the case, and that, being omniscient, He had received proper notice long before the complaint was filed, He contends that because his primary place of business is in Heaven, He is outside of personal jurisdiction as is outlined in the governing precedents of Interntational Shoe and its progeny.

“That’s just not true,” replied Schroeder, producing a well used Bible from beneath his desk. “It says right here in Mathew 8:20 that ‘where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.’”

“Now, because God acknowledged that those are his words, it seems to me that he is collaterally estopped from claiming otherwise. Assuming this is the case, and being well aware of the amount of churches and religious services in this state, we’re forced to conclude that these contacts are systematic and continuous enough to subject him to general jurisdiction in our courts.

In addition to his challenges personal jurisdiction of God has also offered the affirmative defense, little used in common law since Henry the VIII, of infallibility. Representatives for God said, “Though we don’t contest that the words alone might qualify as solicitation, we are arguing that in this case, God’s acts are excused by the ineffable and infallible nature of his being.”

The argument has been readily pushed in a number of Amicus Curiae submitted by such luminaries as, among others: Zeus, Loki (written in invisible ink), Ganesh, Thor, Apollo and Quetzalqoatl, the Feathered Serpent God of the Aztecs.

Again, Schroeder was incredulous. “I’ve heard that that one before,” said the seasoned County Attorney, chuckling and rubbing the stubble on his cheeks. “Good luck trying to convince the judges of that. The judges I know are pretty ineffable themselves.”

Though God is unemployed and qualifies for representation by a public defender, sources say that he will most likely represent Himself.

Tips For Playing Scrabble in Guanajuato

The Basics

Here’s the setup. The only board we have was found at a rental house, so we have to make do. It’s a Spanish board with Spanish tiles, so all English and Spanish words are acceptable. If there is a challenge of an English word, we will search in the official scrabble tournament word list online. If there is a challenge of a Spanish word, we will use the nearest Spanish/English dictionary that’s handy.

After challenges have been made, it is requisite that all players at the table sound off on how arbitrary/stupid/ridiculous it is that the disputed word is/isn’t a playable word. If you’ve been drinking heavily (which you will have been) please act especially outraged at the injustice of it all.

Choosing a teammate

If you are playing on teams, plan ahead when picking your teammate. In a sense, this is a bit like picking a vice presidential candidate; you should have someone that shores up your weaknesses and complements the ticket. If you are not a Spanish speaker, make absolute sure that you have someone who speaks (or more importantly, writes) it well; if you’re completely drunk, select someone who voluntarily refrains from the bottle; if you’re illiterate, choose someone who has experience with letters and words. You get the idea.

If you have failed to complement your inadequacies with superior talent, don’t fear. Played at a rather European pace, games in Guanajuato can last upwards of three hours, meaning that either you or your teammate will probably have lost interest and left the table long before the game’s completion.

Point values

Be careful of the point values on the tiles. While q may be an extremely potent letter in English Scrabble, due to the relative ubiquity of q’s in common Spanish words (que, querer, queso, etc), its influence in this game has been halved. It is now worth only 5 points.

On the other hand, get an “ll” and you’re in for a treat. It’s worth 8 points and may be used as simply two l’s in English.

A final note on tile usage, the ñ may be used simply as an “n.” This rule, though established by ample precedent in previous matches, will also surely be disputed a number of times throughout the game.

Bonus Points, First Category

The basic rule is that any sex-related word is automatically doubled. Of course, what constitutes a sex-related word is a perpetual bone (sex related word?) of contention.

In order for a word to be considered a “sex-related” there must be an official table roll call. Though there is no hard and fast rule on this, at a table with 8 players, 4 votes is usually the de minimis standard that one must reach in order to be awarded double points. A rule concerning the quorum necessary for a vote to take place has never been officially established.

If at all possible, avoid dual-usage words such as “date” or “bed.” Usually, someone will say something like “Feb. 17th is a date, that’s not sexual.” This will be followed by a dispute and various lobbying efforts in an effort to secure votes. Instead, try to stick with words like “coitus” (the opening word for one of our games) or “whore,” which generally do not allow for more than one legitimate meaning.

Before you play your word, make sure you have thoroughly formulated your argument for why it should be considered “sex-related.”

I ran into this problem playing the word “roadies,” which I claimed was both a seven-letter and sexual word. Though I won over several votes quickly, I ran into a stiff resistance from people familiar with the distinction between groupies and roadies, and ultimately lost the case. "Anus" was also shot down after a lengthy discourse on the fine differences between its nominal (anus) and adjectival (anal) forms.

Note to the world: this is what happens when you get a bunch of lawyers together to play an otherwise civil board game.

Remember, though the match may seem good-natured and friendly, at its heart it is an example of board-game-realpolitik at its most vicious and unforgiving. In all likelihood, the “goodwill” of your opponents is probably based on shady political alliances or some sort of long-term, self-serving strategy.

Thus, even if you feel like you have a word that is unquestionably “sex-related,” it might not fly. This is especially ture if the game is tight. This means that your opponents are more willing to sacrifice good sportsmanship and the respect of their peers for their sweaty quest for victory.

Be aware of this and form alliances early on.

Bonus points, Second Category

In addition to sex-related words, one other category of words will be selected as having double point value. This category will be chosen according to the night the game is played on. If it is the night before your academic finals and you should be studying, double points will be awarded for words concerning international transactions. If it is the last night of the NBA Finals, sports words will be awarded double points.

For example, playing the word “pathetic” would be sports-related because it aptly describes the performance of the L.A. Lakers and, especially, Kobe Bryant (sorry Ryan) in their final match against the Celtics. "Rejoice" and "smug" would also be acceptable words because they were illustrative of my reaction to that lopsided victory.

And yes, if you can play a word that is both sex-related and sports-related, (“balls” for instance) you will be awarded quadruple points.

Of course, the holy grail of point combinations would be playing a seven letter word (+50 points) that is sex-related (x2), sports-related (x2), and falls on a triple word score (x3). I think a strong argument could be made that the word “ballers,” if appropriately played, would fall into this category.

Parting Thoughts

That should give you a pretty good start. And don’t be afraid of all the rules changes. Equipped with these tips and just a little bit of self-confidence, you’ll be able to go out there and show all those lawyers how the game is played. Just remember, you’re a baller.

One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Abused Man-like Hominids

Wow. Spain is taking the lead in granting certain limited rights to the great apes. For all you speciesists out there, don't worry, it's not the right to own property or speak freely or anything like that. It's basically the right not to be tortured. Can we all at least agree on that?

The detractors have a point though. Even though the intent behind this legislation appears to be humane and admirable, the legislation will only make the heavily financed chimpanzee lobby (pictured above) all the more powerful and unstoppable. You really do have to strike a balance.

The Extremely Belated Final Dart Post of the Year: Another Doubleheader Sweep. But Questions Abound for Next Year

The season came to an end several weeks ago with a win, leaving our team a record of 7-7-1. I don’t have all the details of the games, but from what I understand, both were lopsided victories.

That means we started the season 2-5 and ended the season 5-2-1. We were on fire. For reasons unknown to me, there are no playoffs after Spring League.

To close out the season , I’m going to cut and paste this article that I just read that’s kind of interesting. The article originally appeared in the June issue of the Iowa City Dart Digest.

Predicting the Club Car's Fortunes

By Doug Schroeder

After being dubbed the darling of the playoffs two years ago when they made a run to the semifinals out of the B-League, and one year ago, when they took home first place in the B league--a feat for which they were awarded both a plaque and individually-engraved metals-- team Club Car finally had a chance to play in the A league this year.

Though the Club Car’s .500 (7-7-1) season might be viewed as a passable showing for the young squad’s first season in the A League, others think the group took a step backward this year. Rumors are swirling around what kind of changes, if any, the GM’s are going to make. Join ICDD as we take a quick look at the fate of what has become one of the most dynamic and dangerous teams in the league:

The Manager:

Though team manager Brad “Griff” Griffith has quite competently guided the team to the respectable position in which it currently finds itself, privately fans are beginning to wonder if he has what it takes to make it to the next level. His board-side antics were down this year, and new psychological research has called into question his management strategy, which consists long tirades abuse sprinkled with moments of enthusiasm and coddling. Sources close to the GM have indicated her desire to get a championship to the Club Car, and have been wondering quite openly if this manager still retains the gusto and motivational skills that made him a B-League legend.

Our Take: Though a few fans have begun to circulate their disappointment in dart chatrooms and forums, in all likelihood, Griff will be given a few more years to take this team to the next level.

Personnel:

The lineup itself may be in line for a shakeup as well. Erratic but handsome dart-thrower Nick “Grady” Gregory will be departing after accepting an offer to throw for a German outfit next semester. Though he finished the season with the lowest power ranking on the team, his winning percentage was the highest and he has been impressive in a number of outings.

Our Take: Though Grady has always been dubbed as a player with a lot of “potential,” he has generally been inconsistent and unspectacular. What’s more, his improvement has stagnated, making him extremely expendable.

Ryan “Murphy” Murray will also be departing to play next fall in the Kansas City Municipal Dart League. Murphy was a surprise sensation and rookie of the year two seasons ago, and GM’s agree that he was probably the best free-agent pickup in the league.
Management has remained mum about the size of his salary, but sources close to the organization reveal that the Club Car paid a pretty penny for his services. This means his departure could open up some much needed room under the salary cap to allow the Bombs to make a play for another elite player.

Our take: It’s a wash. Though Murray’s departure may cost the team wins, it will also save the team money and make them less disgruntled, as Murphy traditionally won the money games that followed the matches.

That leaves three returning players to shuffle around.

The surprise of the season was Kyle Weiner, who hit a hot streak late and ended up with a # 22 ranking overall. But questions remain? Is Kyle a franchise player? Is he the type of player that the Club Car can build a solid program around? Or are the GM’s going to go out and try to fill the void left behind by Murray?

Will Goodman, one of the most effective and dangerous darters in the league several years ago, has struggled of late. Keeping him on the team, however, is always a threat. Our sources say that Griff has been subjecting him to a battery of workouts and dry runs in the off-season in an effort to recapture his past confidence and glory.

Excepting a bizarre move by management, it is widely thought that player/manager Brad “Griff” Griffith will be back for another shot at the title. Last year he had a full-size practice area built in his home and he keeps a strict workout regime even in the off-season. He’s built the program from the foundations up and no one doubts that he has the commitment and wherewithal to see the thing through to the end.

Final Take on next year: ICDD thinks that next year will be similar to years past. The Club Car Bombs rebuild and have another solid year in the A League. A run in the playoffs to the semifinals ends tragically to some lame, douchebag team that doesn’t deserve it. Possibly Shakespeare’s.

Let the Fun Begin: Barack Obama vs. John McCain

With the prelims out of the way, it´s time to get ready for the main event and decide who will lead us into the next decade.

In a superficial sort of way, I really like Obama´s chances.

Guanajuato (Guana-what-o?)

The mummy museum:

A while ago the authorities in Guanajuato started digging up the graves of people whose relatives couldn't afford to pay the graveyard fees (two guarantees: death and taxes right?). It turns out the minerals in the soil in Guanajuato naturally preserve human tissue and (especially) clothes, so they had all these creepy loooking mummies on their hands. If the mummies are presentable enough to make the cut, they put them in this museum.

This might be the coolest and most truly macabre museum I’ve seen in my life. My favorite bit? the little baby mummies perfectly preserved in cute, perfectly preserved baby blue cardigans (see above). In addition to the spooky music that keeps you on your toes as you make blind turns into new exhibition rooms, interpretations on Simon and Garfunkel play in the background free of charge. (Seriously).

Spanish speaking:

I’m currently doing the majority of my sightseeing with two excellent Spanish speakers, both who more or less speak it as a first language. This is obviously a plus and a minus. Plus: I can listen to them speak and crib notes and ask them questions. Minus: Whenever there is any millisecond break in communication or pause for reflection they are quick to the rescue. Eso es la vida.

The Basilica in Guanajuato:

It’s quite beautiful and impressive, but it’s under construction so I haven’t taken a picture. On one occasion I raised my camera, ready to capture her majesty, imperfections and all. But then felt a little dirty, like I was taking a picture of someone who wasn’t fully clothed without their permission. When the scaffolding on the walls of the basilica has been removed, I will get the shot that both I and the Basilica deserve.

The Ex-Hacienda Outside of Town:

The Ex-Hacienca included the luxurious mansion and immaculate, sprawling gardens where the nobles lived and played while the peasants slaved away in the hot Mexican sun. Some of them were over a million acres large. A million acres. Diego Rivera and Grant Wood would have been rolling, mummy-like, in their graves. Viva land reform!