Despite All I Feel I'm Still Just a Rat on a Wheel

Have you ever been dumped by a significant other and are feeling pretty blue, but not quite as blue as you expected? Often times after a break-up experience, I know I'm sad, but how sad? Do I just want to sulk for a couple hours or cry for a day or two, or am I finally ready to quit my job, sell my possessions and start redecorating my living room walls with my own feces?

This is the kind of question I was pondering as a friend of mine told me that he had been dumped. He was bummed out, but he mentioned that he wasn't nearly as depressed as the first time it had happened with the same girl.

His story reminded me of the experiment with the rat where the rat is on a spinning wheel. Every time the wheel makes a rotation, the rat is shocked. Initially the rat tries desperately to avoid the shock, but over time he becomes resigned to the fact that the pain is not going away. Eventually, he just lays despondently in the same place and barely flinches when it is administered.

Though the initial shock freaked him out and probably provoked all sorts of moody, existential reflection, each subsequent shock became more and more tolerable until, eventually, he was able to lead his life (laying on a wheel) knowing that the shocks were an inevitable part of his existence.

Not being satisfied simply with knowing that my friend was feeling "less" pain than before, I wanted to know exactly how much pain he was feeling. I wondered if there was a mathematical equation that could represent this phenomenon. After dwelling on it for several seconds, I decided that there is, and it looks like this:

Where "i" is the intensity of the emotion felt,"d" is the number of days since the last break-up, and "n" is the total number of times that you have broken up with this person, the intensity of the emotion that you are feeling can be summed up thusly:

i=d/n

Using this formula someone who was going out with someone for 100 days and had only been dumped once would feel 100 units of pain and suffering. If that same person had been going out for 100 days but it was the second dumping, that person would only feel 50 units of pain and suffering. The third 33.3, etc.

If a happily married wife of 30 years was to suddenly find herself cast by the wayside (assuming there have been no prior breakups), she would be suffering from a near intolerable 10,950 units of pain and suffering (get your feces brush ready!).

Conversely, if it has only been 1 day since your last break-up, and you've had 5 previous breakups, I have very little pity for you because you're only feeling .2 units of pain and suffering.

And in truth, if this is the case, you shouldn't be suffering as much. Just one day ago a break-up took place and there were no long term consequences. In fact, the same "tragedy" has happened five times now and has failed to significantly alter the direction of you life in any way. Based on the record, you have little reason to believe that this time will be different.

Soon, we will all be describing our break-ups in these numbers. Statements like "Wow, you must really be hurting after that 750," or "Get over it 25," will be extremely common.

I can't wait. If you are unsure of how despondent to feel, feel free to use this formula, as I will do exclusively to judge all of my post break-up emotions from now on.