Hillary Clinton announced yesterday that she has officially asked Bill Clinton, her current husband and former leader of the free world, to take a more active role in her campaign as the Iowa Caucus approaches. Among the duties formerly performed by Hillary that will now to be taken over by Bill are: speaking at fundraisers, appearing in advertisements, and debating her Democratic opponents at the next debate on October 30 at Drexel University hosted by MSNBC.
“While we in no way question Hillary Clinton’s intelligence, eloquence, or rhetorical aptitude” said a spokesperson for the campaign Doug Schuler, “we feel that Bill Clinton is an incredible asset to this campaign and are looking for ways to effectively utilize him.”
“Hillary’s vision for America is a powerful one,” Doug continued, “but focus groups have indicated time and time again that that audiences respond favorably to that vision when it is explained by Bill and, unfortunately, no so favorably when it is explained by Hillary herself.”
Hillary Clinton also thinks the move will be a successful one. “I’ve been doing the circuit for about a year now trying to raise funds and the story is the same everywhere I go: I get up and give this amazing speech and everyone applauds politely, and then Bill gets up and tells some food-related joke and the place fucking explodes. Whatever. If everybody loves him so much maybe he’s the one who should be debating. ”
The move has been characterized by her opponents as a cowardly publicity stunt. “If Hillary Clinton isn’t ready to talk about the real issues affecting real Americans, then I don’t think she’s ready to take the reins of the most powerful country on earth and lead us to prosperity and progress that our citizens deserve,” said John Edwards. “ I’ve been running for the presidency for 7 straight years now with no other job and I have yet to back down from a debate. MSNBC should not allow a stunt like this to take place.”
Officials from MSNBC, however, have already consented to the Clinton family substitution, even providing for a 15 minute intermission wherein Mr. Clinton will be allowed to play his saxophone and recount funny anecdotes from his days in the White House.
Nielson has predicted that the debate will draw up to five times the viewership of past debates, with all of the additional proceeds going directly to MSNBC. This has caused some visionaries in the industry to classify the conventional debate format as outdated.
“Debates where the candidates debate each other are so lame,” said MSNBC executive Kevin Maynards. “For the next debate, we’re going to have each candidate select their favorite movie, wrestling, or reality television star to debate on their behalf. Just imagine: Rob Reiner debating Martha Stewart, Brett Michaels debating some girl from ‘Welcome to Newport Harbor.’ The possibilities are, literally, infinite. We feel that this kind of format will encourage more stupid people to get involved in politics, thereby broadening or electorate and strengthening our democracy.”
Maynards concluded by revealing that the debate would be decided by a “vote-off,” with the last star standing being the de facto party candidate.
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