One of the things that I love about reading pages upon pages of legal opinions from law textbooks. . . .Ok, the ONE thing that I like about reading pages upon pages of legal opinions from law textbooks, is that you start seeing the same funny language over and over.
For example, here are seven sentences that I found in one night of reading that say essentially the same thing:
1. It is uniformly conceded that. . .
2. It can scarcely be doubted that. . .
3. There can be no doubt that. . .
4. It is well-established that. . .
5. It cannot be contended that . . .
6. The conclusion is therefore inescapable. . . .
7. (My favorite) The general correctness of this statement cannot be doubted. . .
I love it. Doesn’t get much more forceful and authoritative-sounding that that. Often times when I’m reading I’ll just nod along and say to myself, “God, I wish I could have doubted that, but I’m shackled. . .it’s WELL ESTABLISHED.”
It’s really a pretty brilliant strategy of argument. In fact, I wish I would have discovered this tactic as a young boy when I found myself engaged in vicious, no holds-barred arguments with my older brother:
Brother— Let’s watch MTV
Nick—No, let’s watch Full House. (Go on, judge me if you will).
Brother—MTV is better.
Nick—MTV? You must be joking. It is unanimously conceded, and cannot seriously be doubted, that Full House constitutes a higher quality level of television programming. The fact has been well established and does not admit serious discussions to the contrary.
Does everyone see the overwhelming force of that argument? There’s nothing my brother could have done but hand over the controller and start writing fan mail to Uncle Joey. It CAN’T fail.
For those of you who get into arguments at home with your spouses, friends, parents, rivals, etc., here’s a little cheat sheet so you can play along at home.
1. Take one of these words: uniformly, comprehensively, globally, unanimously, solidly, unconditionally (or other similar adverb),
2. Add one of these words: admitted, conceded, granted, accepted, acknowledged, recognized, agreed, (or similar past participle)
3. Throw on the phrase “It is. . .” to begin the sentence. . .
And Presto. . . you’re a Circuit Court Judge!
For those of you who spurn courtesies and prefer to infuriate and/or demean your adversary, try the more negative “Bill O’Reilly” variations. Here’s just a few to get you started.
1. It would take a fool or a simpleton to postulate that. . .
2. Idiots often maintain that. . .
3. Only a really big stupid asshole would ever argue that. . .
(Note: for maximum effectiveness, try yelling “Shut up” as loud as you can immediately upon finishing your thought).
So next time your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/spouse wants to argue, just let them know that what you think, indeed, the absolute correctness of your thoughts and ideas, simply CANNOT be doubted. It’s well established.
Trust me, they’ll LOVE that.
For example, here are seven sentences that I found in one night of reading that say essentially the same thing:
1. It is uniformly conceded that. . .
2. It can scarcely be doubted that. . .
3. There can be no doubt that. . .
4. It is well-established that. . .
5. It cannot be contended that . . .
6. The conclusion is therefore inescapable. . . .
7. (My favorite) The general correctness of this statement cannot be doubted. . .
I love it. Doesn’t get much more forceful and authoritative-sounding that that. Often times when I’m reading I’ll just nod along and say to myself, “God, I wish I could have doubted that, but I’m shackled. . .it’s WELL ESTABLISHED.”
It’s really a pretty brilliant strategy of argument. In fact, I wish I would have discovered this tactic as a young boy when I found myself engaged in vicious, no holds-barred arguments with my older brother:
Brother— Let’s watch MTV
Nick—No, let’s watch Full House. (Go on, judge me if you will).
Brother—MTV is better.
Nick—MTV? You must be joking. It is unanimously conceded, and cannot seriously be doubted, that Full House constitutes a higher quality level of television programming. The fact has been well established and does not admit serious discussions to the contrary.
Does everyone see the overwhelming force of that argument? There’s nothing my brother could have done but hand over the controller and start writing fan mail to Uncle Joey. It CAN’T fail.
For those of you who get into arguments at home with your spouses, friends, parents, rivals, etc., here’s a little cheat sheet so you can play along at home.
1. Take one of these words: uniformly, comprehensively, globally, unanimously, solidly, unconditionally (or other similar adverb),
2. Add one of these words: admitted, conceded, granted, accepted, acknowledged, recognized, agreed, (or similar past participle)
3. Throw on the phrase “It is. . .” to begin the sentence. . .
And Presto. . . you’re a Circuit Court Judge!
For those of you who spurn courtesies and prefer to infuriate and/or demean your adversary, try the more negative “Bill O’Reilly” variations. Here’s just a few to get you started.
1. It would take a fool or a simpleton to postulate that. . .
2. Idiots often maintain that. . .
3. Only a really big stupid asshole would ever argue that. . .
(Note: for maximum effectiveness, try yelling “Shut up” as loud as you can immediately upon finishing your thought).
So next time your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/spouse wants to argue, just let them know that what you think, indeed, the absolute correctness of your thoughts and ideas, simply CANNOT be doubted. It’s well established.
Trust me, they’ll LOVE that.
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