After several days of nonstop attention and slavish obedience, local Yorkshire Terrier “Terry” finally convinced his beautiful owner Julia Larson to dump her chronically under-performing boyfriend Doug Schroeder.
Though she had been contemplating the split for months, it wasn’t until discovering the sense of companionship and intimacy offered by dog ownership that she ultimately decided to become a single woman.
“You know, I just thought, I’ve really been enjoying these last couple days with Terry. I feel like he makes me happy. And every time I start talking his ears perk up really high like this,” explained Julia, placing her index fingers, doglike, next to her temples. “That’s when I know he’s listening to me.” Julia added that such perkiness has been noticeably absent in Doug’s flaccid, cartilaginous ears “for at least the last couple of months.”
“Plus every time I leave Terry for even a second he gets all scared and sad looking and I think it’s so cute. When I leave my boyfriend though he’s like ‘Bye’ and I’m like, ‘Bye.’ He doesn’t even whimper or run to the door or anything. Whatever. Dick.”
Before deciding to let go of the man whom she had once referred to quite openly as her life partner, Julia undertook an exhaustive comparative analysis of the two males. According to Julia, Terry won in the majority of categories, including: affection, obedience, listening, cuteness, cuddling, and loyalty.
By contrast, Julia’s boyfriend Doug Schroeder was able to secure victories in only two categories: “usually able to poo in the appropriate place” and “as tall as me.”
Doug, whom sources revealed has been a constant disobedience problems in the past, from staying out late, to playing video games, to failing to heed when called, found the news to be shocking.
“At first I thought the dog was kind of cute,” said Doug. “But then I started sensing something sinister, like Terry was consciously creating a wedge between Julia and I. Like everything I could possibly bring to the relationship Terry could do it even better.”
“Like for example,” Doug continued, “the other day I remember saying something that I thought was really funny and Julia kind of politely nodded, you know, like she was going through the motions. Then like three seconds later that stupid dog fell off the couch and Julia laughed her ass off for like, I’m not exaggerating, 5 straight minutes.”
Though Julia described the two males as having “similar senses of humor”, she later conceded that Terry is probably the funnier of the two. “The other day you should have seen cutey wooty little Terry fall off the big bad couchy wouchy,” said Julia, clutching her sides in laughter, obviously taking a moment to savor the event anew. “I think it’s really important to have something in your life that knows how to make you laugh.”
Though Doug concedes that the split is a setback, he insists that the event will not deter him from pursuing other positive projects as soon as he is able. Among potential projects, Doug lists “returning to school,” “feeling sorry for himself” and “continuing to play the victim” as activities that he is likely to pursue in the near future.
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