One Step for a Judge, One Giant Leap for Human Justice

The Daily Iowan describes why Judge Robert Hanson is my hero. . . link

A.G. no longer A.G.

Alberto "torture memo" Gonzalez finally steps down.

Now, he can finally get a job with former A.G. John Ashcroft at Regent University, where the two can argue over which is the most serious crime: NOT torturing people, or allowing a bare-chested statue to defile the halls of the Dept. of Justice (and the collective morality of America).

All I see are Weeds. . .Please Stop The Pain

I am itchy and bed-ridden with poison ivy. I cannot do or think of anything but rashes and weeds. Luckily, I just watched the season premiere of the television show Weeds the other night, so I’m able to channel this myopia into a post for the day.

Though I loath weeds in general right now, the one playing on Showtime happens to be quite agreeable. Here’s why. . .

Parker vs Parker, or, Waiting for Odysseus: Why Weeds is one of the best shows on TV

In Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker’s character Carrie Bradshaw is widely believed to be pretty cool and sexy. She always walks around with stylish handbags and writes an edgy column dishing out romantic advice to love-struck women. And when she sits down to blow out the candles on her birthday cake she only has one wish left: to be just 1/10 as cool and sexy as Nancy Botwin, Mary-Louise Parker’s character in Weeds. This woman’s cool sexiness (or sexy coolness if you prefer) is so effortless and natural it’s almost scary.

If you’re not familiar with the plot of the series, here’s an executive summary: single widow mother, whose husband has died, needs to find way to care for her children and maintain the standard of living to which she has grown accustomed. She decides to sell pot in her quiet little suburb. Let the fun begin.

To over-simplify the series: Parker is all that matters. Sure, there are lots of kooky/frightening plot twists and hilarious characters, but they all float around in a zany, peripheral hurricane. Parker is the eye of this chaotic storm, calmly resolving one crisis after another as her world tries hard to fall apart around her.

I’m most intrigued by her romantic life, which plays out like The Odyssey, but told from the view of a strong, smart, and faithful Penelope. Her husband has disappeared, her son is causing problems, and the hordes of suitors and would-be lovers have appeared on her doorstep, clamoring to be let in and given a chance to win her beauty. But romance seems to be next to impossible for a woman like Botwin. Sure she has her flings, but her heart usually isn’t in it and her relationships usually come off as something less than authentic.

It’s not just that it’s hard to imagine any of the cast of characters being able to live up to her expectations; it’s hard to imagine ANYONE being able to live up to her standards. Anyone, except of course, for her former husband.

Which begs the question? What kind of demi-god built such an idyllic life for himself (big house, pool, beautiful/capable/lovable wife, adorable and reasonably well-adjusted children) only to pass away so mysteriously? He has left his Penelope for good and, barring some soap-opera type plot twist, will not be coming back. She’s going to have to learn to fend for herself, (read: deal marijuana), which is ok, because we love watching her do it.

1 Credit Down, 89 To Go. . . Why I'm Itching to Succeed in Law School

During orientation, we take a 1 credit test at the end of the week which our 2nd and 3rd year peers tell us repeatedly not to worry about. It is a pass fail test designed to give you an idea of what law exams will be like and how to adequately prepare for them. Rumor has it that no one has ever failed.

The test began with a multiple choice section of 20 questions, which gave me and idea.

Since this is mostly a charade anyway, and it's in EVERYONE'S best interest that we pass, I think a better way to conduct this sort of test would be as follows: a REAL game of 20 questions wherein the professor plays his students for all the marbles.

If the class gets the rule, concept, principle, or statute that the professor has written on a piece of paper in less than 20 yes/no questions, the class passes. If the students exhaust all 20 questions without correctly identifying the person, place, or thing written on the piece of paper, the class fails (with the option to try again and again until they eventually pass).

Here's what something like that would look like:

First student (looking confused): Is it a judicial precedent?

Prof (at front of class smiling mischievously): No. Think broader

Second student: Did we discuss it within the second HALF of the class?

Prof. : Yes.

Third student--Is it a place?

Prof. -- No. It is NOT a place.

Fourth student-- Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Prof. -- I don't think so

Fifth student-- Is it the substantive canon of statutory construction?

Prof.-- It IS the substantive canon of statutory construction. You all pass. Have a great weekend.

Though our class won’t be able to take advantage of a test like this, I strongly recommend it for next year’s incoming class. If the administration is looking for ways to implement this new educational strategy, please contact me privately.

The actual test was quite a bit different. The multiple choice was fine, but on the essay I made several major errors that may affect my grade (which means nothing because it was pass/fail). First, we were not to single space our writing or write on the front and back of pages in our blue book.

I did both. Doh.

Second, our professor had mentioned that that he prefers pens to pencils on tests. I used pencil. If there is a question where my professor needs to give me the “benefit of the doubt,” I won’t hold my breath.

When I was teaching English in Cameroon, the students who typically got the benefit of the doubt were those that weren’t jerks on the basketball court. I have made my bed and now I must lie in it.

But, despite the errors, all in all I feel like I did pretty well. All of the little circles were filled in and my writing seemed to flow effortlessly onto the page. And that's all pretty impressive considering I was reeling in pain with poison ivy during the entire thing. Yes, poison ivy.

The itch is unbearable, and now my arms have this weird pinkish-white (poison ivory?) residue all over because of the calamine lotion that I’ve been forced to slather myself in to stop the pain.

Why did God choose to smite ME with these horribly painful rashes? Believe it or not, I’m pretty sure that it was for doing an incredibly good act, which I guess is some kind of weird reverse Karma and the only way that He has to remind us of all those mysterious ways He works in. If I would have say, found a 100 dollar bill after doing a good thing, I would have said something like “God sure does work in straight-forward and uncomplicated ways,” which would clearly be contrary to what He wants.

The incredibly good thing that I was doing when I acquired the poison ivy was cleaning up a creek, which fulfilled the civic engagement portion of law school orientation week. It was my job to clear the brush, weeds, and litter from the ivy filled banks and put it all in a big pile to be carted away at a later day.

It was my own fault. The guide had explicitly said “wear a long sleeve shirt,” a recommendation that I cockily discarded as a paranoid warning for my weak-skinned comrades. Just like that recommendation on the test that said “double space your writing.”

I will never disregard another written recommendation again.

They were such nice young boys. . .

This just in: the Hawkeyes leading wide receiver has just ruined any chance for a decent year at Kinnick because he wanted to buy hats at Hatworld with another person's money.

I can only assume that he was buying these hats to take them to a dank cellar and force them to fight to the death in front of scores of gamblers and ne'er do wells.

Janeane Garofalo Watch

Janeane Garofalo, last seen on this blog making Bill O'Reilly look like a simpleton, has reportedly accepted a role on the popular real-time television drama "24." Cornucopia, the Horn of Plenty wishes her luck.

Read more about her new role here in the Hollywood Reporter online.

First Day of Law School: A Review

Dean Jones welcomes everyone with typical warmth and gusto and introduces us to three others who will also welcome us, making this the most thorough welcome I have ever received. All the attention, though diluted because I am forced to share it with my peers, makes me feel special and loved. I drink it up. The other students (only one of whom is wearing a baseball cap) seem to be quite pleased with the reception as well.

The three speakers:

1. Justice Wiggins, an Iowa Supreme Court Justice. Justice Wiggins gives all sorts of great advice, but all I can think about is the movie Pygmalion. In the film, linguistic brainiac Henry Higgins attempts, on a bet, to transform coarse, foul-mouthed flower girl Eliza Doolittle into a girl who could flourish in a high society world.

The analogy, though loose, isn’t all that far off. Take us, sculpt us, teach us how to use “the force” in a legal world that we don’t understand. Pass of us off as REAL lawyers.

Bonus: Using this principle of mentor aided transformation, which movie will our class resemble the most?

A. Pygmalion—a cockney accented class from the gutter who, thanks to the sagely (if inhuman) advice of our mentor is able to pass ourselves as members of polite society?

B. The Bad News Bears—a rag tag group of underachievers who, with proper guidance, shocks the world?

C. Pretty Woman—a class that prostitutes our values for money but eventually learns what love is?

D. She's All That—a class that seeks validation through an arbitrary coronation ceremony only to lose it (but be happy with ourselves anyway)?

2. The head of the Iowa State Bar Association Joel Greer is up next. He tells a funny lawyer joke and intimates that either former governor Tom Vilsack or current governor Chet Culver may have graduated at the bottom of his class at Iowa. Day one and we’re already getting some dirt. I like his style. He also exhorts us "not to forget our family," which is good because my father Dan or Darwin or whatever was quickly becoming just another fuzzy memory. I feel changed already.

3. Carin Crain, who will be the new Associate Dean of Students, seems extremely pleasant and also gives a warm welcome. She wants us in her office if we have a problem (school related or not), or even if we don't have a problem. This should put somewhere around 700 students in her office on a daily basis. So now everyone knows where the party’s at.

The rest of the day proceeds without significant hitch: My FYI people (Joe and Kara) are extremely helpful and friendly and my professor politely refrains from Socratically abusing anyone in my class. What luck!

All in all, here are my stats for the day:

Number of questions asked: 2

Number of answers given: 1

Free food received: tiny muffin, bagel with cream cheese, orange juice, lunch, lollipop (from the Registrar's Office), ice cream. There were also vague promises of free pizza from
student organizations in the future.

Number of Socratic bitchslaps received-- 0.

Number of lockers rented-- 1/2

Number of name tags worn in one photo—2

Errors: 1 dropped muffin, 1 lost orientation schedule, 1 piece of refuse embarrassingly thrown in a recycling bin (Now I must live with my shame).

Edumacationally Inclined

Finally, a Gallup Poll that proves the existence of a vast left-wing/ivory tower/egghead/bookworm conspiracy of educated people whose sole purpose is to elect Barack Obama to the presidency (Full disclosure-- I am a member of this conspiracy).

John Deeth blogs a little bit about an interesting dynamic: Obama polls well with voters with the highest level of education while Hillary does better with those people with a high school diploma or less.

Why is Hillary happy to hear this? Other people who polled well with the most educated included such (electoral) losers as Howard Dean ('04 loser), Bill Bradley ('00 loser), and Bob Kerrey ('92 loser).

I Believe in a Better America--Posted by Anonymous Politician for President '08

I’m for change. I’m for reaching out and uniting the country. I believe that America is a great country with great people. We love God. I love God. My faith is very important to me and also something that helps guide me. I think that our country is founded on a number of admirable ideals, all of which I am in complete agreement with. I think that students are very important, as is our elderly population. People who work should not be forgotten. This country’s foundations are rock solid and our constitution is a sacred text and also very important to our country. I know it may not be popular to say this, but innocent people should not die because they are violently attacked. This is a complex world with complex problems. We are in a global economy that is also very complex and I can help guide us through this complexity because I am very well qualified. I have done all sorts of things that are very much related to problem solving. I have never met a problem that I could not solve. I get things done. I have a long history as a dedicated public servant. The people realize how dedicated I am to their success because they agree with me that problems should be solved. There is far too much division in Washington and not enough unity. I will change that because I can work with people. I’m for people having health care and being able to live comfortably and making sure that our children have access to a top quality education. Other politicians don’t realize that we need lots of friends abroad. I would ensure that we have lots of friends because I am well qualified to do such a thing. Laws and justice are also components to our society which I am for. I am for them almost as much as a clean environment and healthy children. I can’t believe that more politicians don’t think that we should have really healthy children. In addition, I am definitely opposed to dumping toxins in rivers and also to cancer and illnesses that should be cured by us. We don’t spend enough time curing these things. I am well qualified to change that and care about it. In conclusion, I think that poverty is very bad for Americans and we should root out the corruption in Washington that I find so objectionable. Accountability is a much better system than corruption and is something that I would support and have experience dealing with. I also have experience dealing with many issues.

Thank you for your support—

Anonymous Politician for President ‘08

Who the Hell is Jeffrey Daniels?

The other day I was watching a movie and my girlfriend wondered aloud if famed boxer Michael Tyson was standing in the background.

Michael Tyson.

I have never, ever, in my life heard him referred to as Michael Tyson. "Iron Michael" Tyson? It was pretty jarring.

I am fairly certain that two people named Mike Jordan and Scott Pippen did not lead the Bulls to 6 NBA Championships in the 90's.

What's next, Dan Glover? John Depp? Phil Seymour Hoffman?

Sagely advice from 1994. A wise man once said. . .

Still a long way to go. . .

Ralph Siddall over at Caffeinated Opinions was blogging about a Washington Post-ABC News poll a couple of weeks ago. This statistic, one that could have major implications on the Democratic side, jumped out at me:

"When asked if, upon honest reflection they could support a woman, an African-American, and/or a Hispanic for president, the public answered yes at 79, 86, and 74 percent respectively."

My moral dilemma is this: knowing that I'm going to support a Democrat, and trying to be semi-pragmatic about their chances in a general election, is it morally reprehensible to use data like this (as one factor among many) when I make my decision?

Note-- This is purely hypothetical as I am already an Obama supporter.

Iowa: Part 4 of a 6 six part series

What I learned about Iowa Arts and Literature:

1. Iowans read more books per capita than how many other states?

49. By the time you finish reading this post 64 Iowans will have completed A Thousand Acres and will be sitting in quiet contemplation. That's a fact. Prove me wrong.

2. What kick-ass character/cultural icon did Iowa City author David Morrell create?

Rambo.

3. Who can claim the moniker “Mr. History of Iowa” and has an auditorium named after him in the library to prove it?

Benjamin Shambaugh. The George Washington of Iowa. He established the department of political science at the U of I.

4. As of 2001 the U of I had produced how many Pulitzer Prize Winners?

Thirteen. At least that’s what the trivia book says. I prefer to use this site's statistics, which claim that there have been more than 40 Pulitzer Prize winners with ties to the University of Iowa.

5. Who was the Cedar Rapids poet who established the International Writing Program and served as director of the Iowa Writer’s Workshop?

Paul Engle.

Bonus: The Dey House, home of the Writer's Workshop, is one of the images above. Can you guess which one? (Hint: It's holding an M-16).

6. What former journalist for the Waterloo Courier refused a Pulitzer Prize in 1926?

Sinclair Lewis. I wasn’t aware of his Iowa connection. I guess that explains why Grant Wood illustrated his book Main Street.

7. What internationally renowned journalist was from Greenfield, the same birthplace as (Iowa's only V.P.) Henry A. Wallace?

Hugh Sidey. Is there something in the water there that produces brilliant successes?

8. Mark Twain believed the sunsets in what Iowa town were without equal?

Muscatine.

9. What percentage of Iowans can read and write?

99%. It is the highest in the nation. Take that Wisconsin. I pity your measly 98.9% literacy rate.

10. What publication out of Des Moines is the third largest paid circulation magazine in the United States?

Better Homes and Gardens. It comes in behind TV Guide and Reader’s Digest. Glad to see that Americans are so focused on important things.

11. How many different editions of the Des Moines Register are printed daily?

Three. This explains the mystery of RAGBRAI ‘98, when a friend of mine was quoted by Chuck Offenburger because it was her birthday. We read it in one paper in the west of Iowa, but when we got home to clip it out it was nowhere to be found.

11. What is the state’s oldest continuing newspaper?

The Hawk Eye (Burlington)

12. What is that state’s song?

The Song of Iowa. A nickel for anyone who can successfully sing this song. Shouldn’t there be some sort of campaign to change our song to Greg Brown’s “the Iowa Waltz?” Consider that campaign officially started.

13. Iowa’s oldest continually running theatre?

Story City. And they already have the only operating antique carousel. What luck!

14. Iowa’s first poet laureate?

Marvin Bell. Appointed 2000. The headline that day in the Register: For Whom the Bell Tolls (not really true.)

Schoools

Simon Estes—Centerville and University of Iowa

Tennessee Williams—U of I

Herbie Hancock—Grinnell College

James A. Michener—U of I

Jane Smiley —U of I

Donald Justice —U of I

Towns

Rockford—Robert James Waller

Cedar Rapids – Carl Van Vechten (first American critic of modern dance while writing for the New York Times)

Burr Oak—Laura Ingalls Wilder (resident in a hotel from 1876-1877)

Sioux City—Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren

Lake Mills—Wallace Stegner (Pulitzer Prize for Angle of Repose, known as the “Dean of Western Writers")

Suffering Faithfully: A film review from the Landlocked Film Festival in Iowa City

Is it just me, or are we humans finally getting a little bit suspicious of this religion thing lately? There has been a rash of anti-religion books that were quite well received (both Cristopher Hitchen’s God is Not Great and Sam Harris’ Letter to a Christian Nation were on the NYT best-seller list), the movie Jesus Camp was nominated for an Academy Award last year (and, more importantly, had a successful run at the Bijou), and on a near-nightly basis Stephen Colbert offers up self-parodying explanations of his fervent belief in the inconsistencies of Catholicism.

In fact, as I write this, I’m watching a bitingly irreverent episode of South Park in which Stan is identified by the Scientologists as the Second coming of L. Ron Hubbard. In the episode, as the Grand Master explains the “real sacred truth” to Stan --that the emperor Xenu trapped frozen Thetan spirits on earth and they eventually inhabited the bodies of our primitive ancestors—a caption is displayed on the bottom of the screen that says “scientologists really believe this.”

As the heir to the Hubbard throne, Stan continues to write the story of scientology and notes innocently that “people shouldn’t have to pay money to be members.” At this point the Grand Master admits that scientology is a joke, derides his gullible followers for believing his lies, and calls Stan stupid for failing to see through the scam earlier.

Benny Hinn couldn’t have said it better himself. Who’s Benny Hinn? He’s one of the “prosperity preachers,” who stars, along with Gloria Copeland, Robert Tilton and Mike Murdock, in the new film Suffer the Children which was screened on Thursday and Friday during the Iowa City Landlocked Film Festival.

Do you remember that scene in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves when the Bishop of Hereford is greedily pocketing as much gold as he can before he ultimately falls through the stained glass window and dies in a terrifying explosion of blood and gems on the ground below? That’s kind of like Benny Hinn’s soul.

Mr. Hinn asks poor people for money. In return he, Benny, who has a special intimate relationship with God (we know this because he tells us so), will pray for them and they will be healed of various illnesses.

Naturally, lots of sick people want to take advantage of such an incredible offer (Wilma, take out a second mortgage on the house, the healin’ man’s in town), and cash flows like the Jordan River. It’s at this point that the film takes an unbelievable and shocking turn: it turns out many of these people (brace yourself) weren’t even healed.

What does Benny Hinn have to say for himself? Not his problem. He already prayed fervently for 10 seconds while holding a printout of hundreds of codes representing the people that sent him money. If THAT doesn’t work, well, then, he’s just plum out of ideas. Those silly invalids must have pissed off God by being the loathsome, sinful individuals that they are. There’s really no remedy for that.

And so the viewer is offered the primary conflict of the film: poor defenseless God-trusting citizens vs. big, bad God’s will-thwarting televangelists. The director, Trevor Glass, employs a wide array of tactics to frame the battle. There’s the comic—an animation of a preacher holding a sack with a dollar sign on it while preaching the Word; the tragic—a little blind boy who thinks God will cure him if he pays his money; and the tragicomic—the sick elderly woman who pays for a preacher to pray for her Powerball ticket to come through.

There are even Michael Moore-ish moments as we are offered some impressive helicopter shots of televangelists’ multi-million dollar compounds.

The most fun, however, comes while watching the footage of the preachers as they rant hysterically from their golden pulpits, which at times drew riotous laughter form the tiny audience in the Englert Theater. I can only imagine the kind of fun that Mr. Glass had in selecting the clips. So much buffoonery, so little time. In fact, there’s a rule in there for future documentarians: when trying to demonstrate the sleaziness of televangelists, nothing can really substitute for the televangelists themselves.

Though the audience spent a good deal of time howling at the clips, there were certainly times that the film lagged. For example, it seemed like a disproportionate amount of time was spent interviewing people who had sent Benny Hinn money and hadn’t received their instantaneous, magical convalescence. I considered this the “proof of fraud” section. Perhaps for those of us in the audience who needed to be convinced that Benny Hinn wasn’t actually a magical healer guy, this was helpful. For those of us who are skeptical of crazy wackos from the outset, the depth of this “investigation” seemed a tad unnecessary.

Some of the interviewees said things like “If these preachers can really heal people, why aren’t they in the cancer ward curing the sick?” Checkmate Mr. Hinn. Which led me to think, “If these preachers really can cure people, why aren’t they the joint rulers of the world?” Oh yeah, because they’re charlatan loons.

And I’d be thinking about a thought just like that when they’d display an image of a professional basketball stadium filled with tens of thousands of people hanging on Benny Hinn’s every word.

It’s a sobering image. One minute I’m feeling smug sitting in the theater laughing at the televangelist as he promises to spin gold from hay, the next I’m watching as thousands of people sing hallelujah when he wheels out a bail of hay. At one point my companion leaned over and asked, “Who are all these people?”

Who are they? They’re the victims of this charade and we get to meet them throughout the film. I’m pretty sure that we were supposed to sympathize with their plight, and to a certain extent, I did. They were old men with terminal illnesses or mothers with vegetative babies. It would take a heart of stone not to realize that these people had been unfairly taken advantage of.

But it’s tough not to notice that this kind of reaction is inherently condescending too. Poor, stupid people (sigh) they know not what they do. I get the impression that sometimes this is the reaction that the director is looking for. But it’s important to keep in mind that a lot of these people aren’t children; they are adults and they chose to do something monumentally stupid with their money. Is Benny Hinn really responsible for all this, or is something else at work?

And this is when, possibly unintentionally, the film transcends the bounds of a mere fraud documentary, and becomes a kind of case-study on the dangers of unquestioning belief. How could so many people so earnestly believe that this man was going to cure them through prayer? And they didn’t just believe, they believed so passionately that they were willing to throw down cold, hard cash to back it up. Economists, constantly claiming that consumers always act in their own best interest, would be pulling out their hair if they saw this film.

As I watched tale after tale of suffering and resentment, I was reminded this famous little quote from Kurt Vonnegut: “Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile.”

Benny Hinn and others counted on this capacity to make their fortunes. If it were up to South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker, I’d like to think that, as the credits rolled and the music reminded us to be sad, this would be the final caption of this film: “They really believe this.”

Filmlocked! Iowa City

It was a shame that the Landlocked Film Festival, the brand new international film festival hosted by Iowa city, began on a Thursday. A shame, that is, unless of course you're a jobless film fan with about 8 hours to blow. For those of us who fit that description, it was fantastic. Plenty of room to spread out and enjoy some fine movie making.

I was a little surprised, after exiting the Englert, at seeing all of the seemingly shiftless ped-mallers reading, talking, relaxing, that there weren't more people taking advantage of this event. Was it lack of publicity? Lack of interest? Didn't they know?

The lowdown? Around 100 films, screening at six different venues, and some cash prizes given out to the winners.

I watched five films on Thursday: Suffer the Children, the Clinton 12, 20 Q, Carny, and American Meth.

And on Saturday I took in nine more (all shorts totaling about 3 1/2 hours): The Coffee Shop, Genesis Antipode, Father, Unblinking, Pillow Girl, 41 Sekunden, Willow Garden, The Scientist, Samsara, and A Driving Lesson.

Though I don't have time to go into all of them, here's an executive summary of my awards for the weekend (keep in mind these awards do no correspond to the actual categories in which the films are entered) :


Best Comedy-- The Coffee Shop
This 7 minute short filmed at a coffee shop in Des Moines is like watching an incredibly funny SNL sketch wherein the actors and cinematographers have been give an infinite amount of time to perfect their deliveries and angles. A pitch-perfect, homegrown comedy.

Best drama--The Father Unblinking
The Father Unblinking is a 24 minute poem of a movie about a couple who can't bring themselves to communicate about their daughter's recent death.
I have never seen an audience react as viscerally or as quickly as it did to this narrative short. Maybe that's because I don't watch too many short films in movie theaters. Or maybe it's because director Ziggy Attias took a great short story and made a great film out of it.
Who knew you could care so much about a family you've only known for 24 minutes?


Best Documentary-- Suffer the Children
This film is about the entrepreneurs/preachers/con men who, like Robin Hoods operating in bizarro world, rob from the poor and give to themselves. Oh, and then they mock their congregations for being poor and disabled. The basic message of these "prosperity preachers," as they are known, is this: If God really loved you, wouldn't He have made you rich? Good question. Any response. . . God?

My full review of the film Suffer the Children can be found above in a different post.