5 Interesting Legal Principles That I've Learned in My First Year of Law School: Part 1 of a Series

Disclaimer: I hope it is clear that these legal principles, being both hazily remembered and heavily embellished, are in no way to be taken as legal advice --

1. The Goonies Rule—“Finders Law” is kind of complicated. For example, if you find property that’s “lost” or “abandoned” you usually get to keep it. However, if you find property that’s “mislaid” then it usually goes to the owner of the premises where you found it. There are other fairly arbitrary distinctions that are sometimes clear and sometimes not. The one rule that IS clear? If you find a “treasure trove,” it’s yours. Keep it. No questions asked. Roll in it, toss the gold coins up and let them rain down on you, whatever you want. A treasure trove in the case book that I use describes a treasure trove as this: “ANY GOLD OR SILVER IN COIN, PLATE, OR BULLION FOUND CONCEALED IN THE EARTH OR IN A HOUSE OR OTHER PRIVATE PLACE.” This rule is apparently founded on the principle that all of use think that at some point in our lives we’re going to find a treasure map in the attic and then follow it to all sorts of pirate treasure.

2. The G.W. Bush rule/preemption rule—If you REASONABLY BELIEVE someone is going to attack you can use reasonable force to protect yourself. You can’t, however, use lethal force or force that is not commensurate to the threat. Maybe this shouldn’t be called the G.W. Bush rule. An addition to this rule is the imminence rule. Here is a brief illustration of this rule: Saddam and George are drinking a bar. If Saddam says to George “I will beat you up tomorrow,” George cannot beat up Saddam today to prevent tomorrow’s attack, unless it appears that here will be now way for George to defend himself tomorrow.

3. Take the money and run principle—after guy found 17,000 dollars in the wing of an airplane he told his supervisor and eventually lost the (probably drug) money to the owner of the premises because it was judged to be “mislaid.” As per above, if it would have been classified as “lost or abandoned,” the finder would have kept it. The motto of this story: Never, ever tell anyone when you find $17,000 in a fucking airplane wing.

4. The Ewok net rule—This is similar to the G.W. Bush rule. You can’t protect empty property with lethal force. A guy in IA owned an abandoned house in which he kept mason jars. There had been a theft (or maybe just thefts in the area, I can’t remember), so he did what all of us what have done: he rigged up a shotgun to the door handle and pointed it at about knee high. This way, he could make sure to forever alter the life of any wayward criminal or cute, adventurous child who happened to wander into the abandoned home. When Mr. Bush league criminal came by to cash in on that sweet mason jar collection, the gun took out his legs and severely injured him. The court ruled that lethal force cannot be used to protect unoccupied property and suggested that he buy the same kind of nets that the Ewoks in star wars used, noting that they were both humane and durable (this didn’t really happen). The spring gunner’s response “I wish I would have aimed higher.” (This REALLY DID happen). Oh, my sweet, sweet mason jars.

5. The Princess Bride Rule—a thief with prior possession of a piece of property has rights over different thief who tries to relieve him of it. Remember that part in the Princess Bride when Sicilian Evil Mastermind Wallace Shawn is running off with a discombobulated but resilient Robin Wright? And then Dred Pirate Roberts starts chasing them and Sicilian Evil Mastermind Wallace Shawn says “he’s tyring to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.” Well, he’s kind of right. You can’t do that. In absence of the “true owner” prior possession prevails, even if it is a thief who has stolen something. Since Shawn had possession of the Princess before Dred Pirate Roberts, he wins. (Note: this is only applicable if women are considered “chattel.”) (Note #2: It is my understanding that Wallace Shawn used to make his home in Iowa City. Please feel free to disabuse me of this notion).