One Step for a Judge, One Giant Leap for Human Justice

The Daily Iowan describes why Judge Robert Hanson is my hero. . . link

A.G. no longer A.G.

Alberto "torture memo" Gonzalez finally steps down.

Now, he can finally get a job with former A.G. John Ashcroft at Regent University, where the two can argue over which is the most serious crime: NOT torturing people, or allowing a bare-chested statue to defile the halls of the Dept. of Justice (and the collective morality of America).

All I see are Weeds. . .Please Stop The Pain

I am itchy and bed-ridden with poison ivy. I cannot do or think of anything but rashes and weeds. Luckily, I just watched the season premiere of the television show Weeds the other night, so I’m able to channel this myopia into a post for the day.

Though I loath weeds in general right now, the one playing on Showtime happens to be quite agreeable. Here’s why. . .

Parker vs Parker, or, Waiting for Odysseus: Why Weeds is one of the best shows on TV

In Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker’s character Carrie Bradshaw is widely believed to be pretty cool and sexy. She always walks around with stylish handbags and writes an edgy column dishing out romantic advice to love-struck women. And when she sits down to blow out the candles on her birthday cake she only has one wish left: to be just 1/10 as cool and sexy as Nancy Botwin, Mary-Louise Parker’s character in Weeds. This woman’s cool sexiness (or sexy coolness if you prefer) is so effortless and natural it’s almost scary.

If you’re not familiar with the plot of the series, here’s an executive summary: single widow mother, whose husband has died, needs to find way to care for her children and maintain the standard of living to which she has grown accustomed. She decides to sell pot in her quiet little suburb. Let the fun begin.

To over-simplify the series: Parker is all that matters. Sure, there are lots of kooky/frightening plot twists and hilarious characters, but they all float around in a zany, peripheral hurricane. Parker is the eye of this chaotic storm, calmly resolving one crisis after another as her world tries hard to fall apart around her.

I’m most intrigued by her romantic life, which plays out like The Odyssey, but told from the view of a strong, smart, and faithful Penelope. Her husband has disappeared, her son is causing problems, and the hordes of suitors and would-be lovers have appeared on her doorstep, clamoring to be let in and given a chance to win her beauty. But romance seems to be next to impossible for a woman like Botwin. Sure she has her flings, but her heart usually isn’t in it and her relationships usually come off as something less than authentic.

It’s not just that it’s hard to imagine any of the cast of characters being able to live up to her expectations; it’s hard to imagine ANYONE being able to live up to her standards. Anyone, except of course, for her former husband.

Which begs the question? What kind of demi-god built such an idyllic life for himself (big house, pool, beautiful/capable/lovable wife, adorable and reasonably well-adjusted children) only to pass away so mysteriously? He has left his Penelope for good and, barring some soap-opera type plot twist, will not be coming back. She’s going to have to learn to fend for herself, (read: deal marijuana), which is ok, because we love watching her do it.

1 Credit Down, 89 To Go. . . Why I'm Itching to Succeed in Law School

During orientation, we take a 1 credit test at the end of the week which our 2nd and 3rd year peers tell us repeatedly not to worry about. It is a pass fail test designed to give you an idea of what law exams will be like and how to adequately prepare for them. Rumor has it that no one has ever failed.

The test began with a multiple choice section of 20 questions, which gave me and idea.

Since this is mostly a charade anyway, and it's in EVERYONE'S best interest that we pass, I think a better way to conduct this sort of test would be as follows: a REAL game of 20 questions wherein the professor plays his students for all the marbles.

If the class gets the rule, concept, principle, or statute that the professor has written on a piece of paper in less than 20 yes/no questions, the class passes. If the students exhaust all 20 questions without correctly identifying the person, place, or thing written on the piece of paper, the class fails (with the option to try again and again until they eventually pass).

Here's what something like that would look like:

First student (looking confused): Is it a judicial precedent?

Prof (at front of class smiling mischievously): No. Think broader

Second student: Did we discuss it within the second HALF of the class?

Prof. : Yes.

Third student--Is it a place?

Prof. -- No. It is NOT a place.

Fourth student-- Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Prof. -- I don't think so

Fifth student-- Is it the substantive canon of statutory construction?

Prof.-- It IS the substantive canon of statutory construction. You all pass. Have a great weekend.

Though our class won’t be able to take advantage of a test like this, I strongly recommend it for next year’s incoming class. If the administration is looking for ways to implement this new educational strategy, please contact me privately.

The actual test was quite a bit different. The multiple choice was fine, but on the essay I made several major errors that may affect my grade (which means nothing because it was pass/fail). First, we were not to single space our writing or write on the front and back of pages in our blue book.

I did both. Doh.

Second, our professor had mentioned that that he prefers pens to pencils on tests. I used pencil. If there is a question where my professor needs to give me the “benefit of the doubt,” I won’t hold my breath.

When I was teaching English in Cameroon, the students who typically got the benefit of the doubt were those that weren’t jerks on the basketball court. I have made my bed and now I must lie in it.

But, despite the errors, all in all I feel like I did pretty well. All of the little circles were filled in and my writing seemed to flow effortlessly onto the page. And that's all pretty impressive considering I was reeling in pain with poison ivy during the entire thing. Yes, poison ivy.

The itch is unbearable, and now my arms have this weird pinkish-white (poison ivory?) residue all over because of the calamine lotion that I’ve been forced to slather myself in to stop the pain.

Why did God choose to smite ME with these horribly painful rashes? Believe it or not, I’m pretty sure that it was for doing an incredibly good act, which I guess is some kind of weird reverse Karma and the only way that He has to remind us of all those mysterious ways He works in. If I would have say, found a 100 dollar bill after doing a good thing, I would have said something like “God sure does work in straight-forward and uncomplicated ways,” which would clearly be contrary to what He wants.

The incredibly good thing that I was doing when I acquired the poison ivy was cleaning up a creek, which fulfilled the civic engagement portion of law school orientation week. It was my job to clear the brush, weeds, and litter from the ivy filled banks and put it all in a big pile to be carted away at a later day.

It was my own fault. The guide had explicitly said “wear a long sleeve shirt,” a recommendation that I cockily discarded as a paranoid warning for my weak-skinned comrades. Just like that recommendation on the test that said “double space your writing.”

I will never disregard another written recommendation again.

They were such nice young boys. . .

This just in: the Hawkeyes leading wide receiver has just ruined any chance for a decent year at Kinnick because he wanted to buy hats at Hatworld with another person's money.

I can only assume that he was buying these hats to take them to a dank cellar and force them to fight to the death in front of scores of gamblers and ne'er do wells.

Janeane Garofalo Watch

Janeane Garofalo, last seen on this blog making Bill O'Reilly look like a simpleton, has reportedly accepted a role on the popular real-time television drama "24." Cornucopia, the Horn of Plenty wishes her luck.

Read more about her new role here in the Hollywood Reporter online.

First Day of Law School: A Review

Dean Jones welcomes everyone with typical warmth and gusto and introduces us to three others who will also welcome us, making this the most thorough welcome I have ever received. All the attention, though diluted because I am forced to share it with my peers, makes me feel special and loved. I drink it up. The other students (only one of whom is wearing a baseball cap) seem to be quite pleased with the reception as well.

The three speakers:

1. Justice Wiggins, an Iowa Supreme Court Justice. Justice Wiggins gives all sorts of great advice, but all I can think about is the movie Pygmalion. In the film, linguistic brainiac Henry Higgins attempts, on a bet, to transform coarse, foul-mouthed flower girl Eliza Doolittle into a girl who could flourish in a high society world.

The analogy, though loose, isn’t all that far off. Take us, sculpt us, teach us how to use “the force” in a legal world that we don’t understand. Pass of us off as REAL lawyers.

Bonus: Using this principle of mentor aided transformation, which movie will our class resemble the most?

A. Pygmalion—a cockney accented class from the gutter who, thanks to the sagely (if inhuman) advice of our mentor is able to pass ourselves as members of polite society?

B. The Bad News Bears—a rag tag group of underachievers who, with proper guidance, shocks the world?

C. Pretty Woman—a class that prostitutes our values for money but eventually learns what love is?

D. She's All That—a class that seeks validation through an arbitrary coronation ceremony only to lose it (but be happy with ourselves anyway)?

2. The head of the Iowa State Bar Association Joel Greer is up next. He tells a funny lawyer joke and intimates that either former governor Tom Vilsack or current governor Chet Culver may have graduated at the bottom of his class at Iowa. Day one and we’re already getting some dirt. I like his style. He also exhorts us "not to forget our family," which is good because my father Dan or Darwin or whatever was quickly becoming just another fuzzy memory. I feel changed already.

3. Carin Crain, who will be the new Associate Dean of Students, seems extremely pleasant and also gives a warm welcome. She wants us in her office if we have a problem (school related or not), or even if we don't have a problem. This should put somewhere around 700 students in her office on a daily basis. So now everyone knows where the party’s at.

The rest of the day proceeds without significant hitch: My FYI people (Joe and Kara) are extremely helpful and friendly and my professor politely refrains from Socratically abusing anyone in my class. What luck!

All in all, here are my stats for the day:

Number of questions asked: 2

Number of answers given: 1

Free food received: tiny muffin, bagel with cream cheese, orange juice, lunch, lollipop (from the Registrar's Office), ice cream. There were also vague promises of free pizza from
student organizations in the future.

Number of Socratic bitchslaps received-- 0.

Number of lockers rented-- 1/2

Number of name tags worn in one photo—2

Errors: 1 dropped muffin, 1 lost orientation schedule, 1 piece of refuse embarrassingly thrown in a recycling bin (Now I must live with my shame).