Accomplisher of Things, Destroyer of Birds

Remember that post about killing two birds with one stone by reading cool, page-turning litigation stories that offered both enlightenment and entertainment?

Well that got kind of boring. After all, killing two birds with one stone is really that hard. It's almost formulaic at this point. If you're unfamiliar with the recipe, let me walk you through it.

First you toss a stone into the air, clipping some unsuspecting bird's wing. Then watch as he flounders about for a moment. It's a well known fact that birds in the air who have lost the ability to fly behave much like humans in the water who cannot swim. . . they grab desperately at the nearest object.

Uh oh, the only thing he sees five hundred feet in the air is another bird.
Now watch and smile as he clings and claws at the bird closest to him and the two fall at high velocity to the hard, unforgiving ground below.
Bravo. Two birds, one stone.

But this formula got kind of old for me. Only two birds with each throw? Was that even worth it? Was there any way that I could improve my yield of birds per stone?

There was. The artwork above briefly illustrates how I was able to successfully kill and mutilate not one, not two, but three birds with just one enormous, favorably placed stone.

Last week, I realized that if I read a legal thriller in Spanish, I would improve my bird per stone capacity by 33%. I would be entertained by the fast pace and witty banter of a Grisham novel, I would be exposed to the inner workings of America's labyrinthine legal system, plus I could spend some time working on my Spanish. And so I did just that, dutifully laboring through the entire 460 pages of legal storytelling and finishing The Testament one day before I leave for RAGBRAI and then Iowa City.

The book itself wasn't all that special: lots of traipsing about in the jungle needlessly fretting about gators and anacondas. But like all Grisham books, it was intensely readable, and come hell or high water, you need to find out how it resolves itself. Plus, there's a pretty cool scene where a cow gets killed by an airplane. (Although, in retrospect, this could have been an error in translation).

But the major bonus about reading the book was the kind of practical experience it gave me. I can picture it now: next year, when I'm working in the legal clinic and some guy approaches me with a case dealing with the death of one of the richest men in the world and a mysterious heir who lives in the heart of Brazil's rain forest, I will already have a quick, hassle-free blueprint for how to handle it. Hell, maybe I can just specialize in these kinds of cases.

Tune in next week, when I listen to The Pelican Brief, on audiotape, in Swahili, while cooking dinner and doing leg bends. Those five birds will be unrecognizable when I get through with them.

Author's note--
No birds or cows were harmed during the writing of this post or reading of the book El Testamento. Much of the Spanish however, was needlessly massacred and misinterpreted.

Start Saving Your Cooking Oil Now, Reap the Benefits Later

It started this morning when I read an article in the Des Moines Register about the ecovillage outside of Fairfield. According to the article, the residents of the village harvest sun, wind, and rain for energy and grow grapevines, kiwis, gooseberries, and plums in their yards to eat. At night, everyone holds hands in a circle and lollipops and sugarplums fall from the skies.

More importantly, I discovered that the founder of the ecovillage powers his Mercedes-Benz with massage oil from the spa in Vedic City.

Massage oil. Interesting, I thought. Mistakenly thinking that the oil powering the car had something to do with oil used for massages, I quickly took out some cooking oil, slathered it onto my entire body, and then scraped it directly from my body into a jar to be fed to my automobile.

Boy was my face red and oily when I unintentionally stumbled upon another article about oil powered vehicles. Turns out, it doesn't have to be massage oil after all.

The Economist was nice enough to inform me that McDonalds is going to start powering their entire British fleet with recycled cooking oil from their restaurants. I couldn't find the Economist article online, but here is a brief summary of the story in the International Business Times.

First the Fairfield guy, then the largest fast food chain in the world? It was as if everywhere I turned people were jumping onto the biodiesel bandwagon (the bandwagon itself, were it not a figurative vehicle, would no doubt also be powered by biodiesel).

Twp articles in one day? I see this as a sign. As soon as I buy a fast food franchise or a massage parlor, I'm going to get myself a diesel car and never look back. So long suckers. . .

Iowa Medicaid program ranked 17th in the nation by Public Citizen

This study was released in April of this year, so it's not really breaking news, but I hadn't heard anything about it in the papers so I thought it couldn't hurt to post it.

The Public Citizen Health Research Group conducted a study of all of the Medicaid programs in all of the 50 states and ranked them according to four basic categories: Eligibility, Scope of Service, Quality of Care, and Reimbursement. Iowa ranked, respectively, 25th, 25th, 37th, and 6th in these categories and had an overall rating of 17th.

I'm pretty sure this would qualify as a "B-" on a report card.

Want to save 90 dollars fast? Become a gas smuggler.

Foreign Policy magazine has a pretty cool feature comparing different gas prices around the world. The low is Turkmenistan, where it costs $1.06 to fill up a Honda Civic. The high is Turkey, where you'd be paying $93.98 to fill up that same Civic. In the U.S. it costs around $31.42 .

There's also an interesting map that highlights the biggest differential between gas prices in neighboring countries. If, for example, someone from Turkey were to drive into their neighbor Iran to gets gas, they would be saving $89.49 each time they filled up the tank. (Iran $4.49 vs. Turkey $93.98).

The U.S., by the way, consumes more oil than the next highest 20 countries combined. Wow. The next five are Japan, China, Canada, Russia, Germany.

Iowa: Part 3 of a 6 part series

What I learned about Iowa History.

1. Where does Iowa rank among the fifty states for percentage of its population having undergraduate degrees?

First. I'd like to think that I am responsible for a small part of that distinction.
But since I didn't have an undergraduate degree in 2000 I would probably be wrong.

2. In what year was corporal punishment banned in schools by the legislature?

1989. I remember it perfectly. In 1988 I was 8. I really wanted to act out but feared that my teacher, armed with "tools she needed to conduct her war on subversive classroom behavior," would defeat me. When I heard that they might have the votes to pass new "anti-beat" legislation, I was licking my chops. I could wait it out another year until those soft Dems decided to limit a teacher's authority. That's the danger of a timetable.

Come 1989 you can imagine what happened. All hell broke loose. The teacher stood by helplessly as we ransacked the classroom and burned the textbooks. I acted with impunity for the rest of my academic career.

Bonus-- Some people claim that Iowa legislators, known for keeping their hand on the pulse of young America and pop culture, timed the legislation to be passed just as rap master extraordinaire MC Hammer was recording the hit song U Can't Touch This in 1989. Both parties have repeatedly denied collusion.

3. Our two first ladies?

Lou Henry Hoover and Mamie Doud Eisenhower (Boone). There is a tasty little restaurant in Iowa City named Lou Henry’s. I am unaware if this is a tribute.

4. First Governor of the State?

Ansel Briggs.

Bonus: The first governor of the territory was Robert Lucas, whose name graces an elementary school in Iowa City.

5. Our State Motto?

Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain.

6. The name of the nation’s biggest battleship?

U.S.S. Iowa (it is the fifth most decorated of 61 battleships).

7. In the Civil War, which state’s troops saw more action per capita, than any other?

Since this is an Iowa centered quiz, I bet you guessed Iowa. And you’d be right. 76,000 troops from Iowa saw action.

I was aware of our efforts for the North, or “good” side in the Civil War, but I didn’t know just how strong they were.

8. Year that Iowa became a state –

1846. Just after Texas and just before Wisconsin. The only state west of the Mississippi admitted before Iowa was Missouri.

Bonus: Iowa became a territory in 1838. That means we were given all sorts of new rights and responsibilities as an 8 year old. No wonder we kept getting into petty disputes with Missouri about land. We probably didn’t even want it until we saw that they did.

9. ISU graduate who founded he League of Women Voters in1880?

Carrie Lane Chapman Catt.

10. Two presidents, non-native born, living in Iowa for part of their adult lives?

Ronald Reagan (wrote a sports column in Des Moines)

Richard Nixon(Ottumwa naval air station age 42 to 43).

This is kind of an embarrassing distinction. How many awful presidents can one state have a hand in producing?

It's interesting to note that both Quaker presidents (Hoover and Nixon) have a major Iowa connection.

11. What was the ultimately joyless tribute paid to Glidden native Enola Gay Haggard?

The Enola Gay, the plane that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, was named for her. The pilot was her son.

12. Until what year did our Governor only have a two year term?

1972. The same year that our tiny little caucus became the “hilarious, madcap, must see hit of the election year.”

13. Only US speaker of the House?

David B. Henderson (originally a Scot)

14. The only college in the nation to have its entire campus listed on the national registry of historic places?

Beautiful Cornell College in Mt. Vernon.

15. Herbert Hoover’s salary as President?

$0. He didn’t accept any money. Or progress. He ran on a strict no money or progress platform.

16. Counties that are named after US presidents?

Eleven. (Adams, Buchanan, Harrison, Jackson, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Polk, Taylor, Van Buren, and Washington).

17. First public University in the nation to admit men and women on an equal basis.

University of Iowa. Forget Alex Karras, why isn’t this stat advertised? I'm beaming with pride.
18. Percentage of Iowa’s schools that rank above the national average in scholastic achievement?

93%. With new No Child Left Behind Legislation, our federal government will not rest until that figure is 100%. . . for every single state.

19. Town where Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow pulled a bank robbery 1934?

Knierimm (town of 70 in NW Iowa).

Bonus robber stat: Jesse James’ gang robbed a train West of Adair in 1873.

20. The northernmost confederate raid of the civil war occurred in what county?

Davis County. It's located on the southern border.

21. Number of telephone area codes for Iowa?

Five. (515, 319, 563, 641, 712).

They're easy to remember because they add up to 59.

22. Governor that served five terms?

Robert Ray.

23. Who is the Floyd Monument (the obelisk in Sioux City) in honor of?

Sgt. Charles Floyd, the only member of Lewis and Clark’s expedition that died. He was buried near Sioux City. He watches the IMAX retelling of his voyage twice a day in heaven and pumps his fist when they make it to the end.

24. How many Supreme Court Justices appointed?

Two. Samuel F. Miller and Wiley B. Rutledge

25. First great hydroelectric project completed in the US?

Keokuk Dam 1913.

26. Largest single denomination in Iowa?

Roman Catholic (Go Dubuque!)

27. Largest employer in Cedar Rapids?

Rockwell International (maker of printing presses and avionics equipment). I thought for sure it would be Quaker Oats.

28. 4 H’s ?

Head, Heart, Hands, and Health

29. When Vilsack in ’98, he became the first Dem elected governor in how long?

36 years (since Howard Hughes from castle town Ida Grove).

30. In 1995 the heads of what three countries met in Iowa?

The U.S., the Czech Republic, and the Republic of Slovakia met in Iowa.

I was 15 years old when this took place and have no recollection of it. Apperently BillClinton, Vaclav Havel (CzechRep.) and Michal Kovac (Rep. of Slovakia) came to inaugurate the National Czech and Slovak museum in Cedar Rapids.

31. Who was the Secretary of the Agriculture under Harding and Coolidge?

Henry C. Wallace, father of Henry A. Wallace (later Sec. of Ag and VP under Roosevelt). Like father like son.

Iowa: Part 2 of a 6 part series

What I learned about Iowa Entertainment:

1. David Copperfield has a house in what Dennis Kucinich lovin’ county?

Jefferson (in Fairfield).

2. Nick Nolte attended primary school in this city?

Ames. Nolte is the honorary “Tom Arnold” of central Iowa.

3. Mason City is the setting for what musical?

The Music Man.

4. Entire town that was on David Letterman in 1989?

Bolan

Bonus: 1980 Letterman also aired a show from the home of Cresco’s Jane Goldworthy.

Since everyone knows that the “home office” that provides the top ten list every night is traditionally said to be in Sioux City, it seems like there's only one person who loves Iowa more than David Letterman. . .

5. The person who loves Iowa more than David Letterman?

Helen Hunt

When she sees a script that has Iowa in it, she starts convulsing with joy and foaming at the mouth. She’s acted in both Miles From Home, which was filmed in Cedar Rapids, and Twister, which was filmed around Ames. She must love Iowa, because I can see no other reason why she would have acted in the film Twister, which hilariously finds a way to pitch “good” tornado chasers against “evil” tornado chasers. Yes. The evil tornado chasers do wear all black and drive a black, ominous looking automobile.

6. What actor, named the second greatest male actor of all time by AFI, died in Davenport in 1986?

Cary Grant

“Is this Iowa?” He asked, noting the beauty of his surroundings and the slow, unrushed pace of life.

“No, it’s heaven,” said Shoeless Joe.

7. What former Iowa footballer played George Papadapolis, Webster’s godfather, on the sitcom Webster?

Alex Karras

Bonus: Alex Karras also was the only tackle to come in second in Heisman Trophy voting. How was I unaware of this? And why doesn't the U of I get this kind of information out there?

Extra Bonus: Maybe this is why. His teammate Randy Duncan said that Karras has “no good memories of Iowa.” Tragic. I’ll never watch Webster with the same innocence again.

8. Birthplaces:

There were a ton of questions about famous Iowans and birthplaces and colleges, so I just quickly compiled a list. It is by no means exhaustive.

Corning—Johnny Carson

Clarinda—Glenn Miller

Sioux City—Jerry Mathers

Winterset—John Wayne

Davenport—Bix Beiderbecke

Ottumwa—Tom Arnold

Dubuque—Kate Mulgrew (Star Trek). Close to my heart because my dad graduated from Wahlert with her. They did one of those “plan a family budget” assignments together. For the section marked “entertainment,” she said, “oohhh, let’s call that vice.” I like that story.

Creston—Marcia Wallace (Bob Newhart’s secretary and voice of Edna Krabappel on the Simpsons). Close to my heart because I saw her perform wonderfully in The Vagina Monologues at Hancher.

Denison—Donna Reed (Jimmy Stewart's Wife in It's a Wonderful Life, Oscar winner and probably most importantly, an anti-nuclear activist, anti-Vietnam activist, and founder of Another Mother for Peace).

9. Colleges Attended—

Gary Cooper—Grinnell

Tom Brokaw—Iowa

Greg Gumbel—Loras

Gene Wilder-- Iowa

Steve Allen—Drake

Tony Danza—University of Dubuque

Iowa: Part 1 of a 6 part series

Have you ever had a little free time, so you start perusing the bookshelves of whatever home you happen to be in? And then you find a slender, glossy little book that looks kind of interesting so you start reading through it? And then it’s so interesting and slender that you read through the entire thing in one sitting?

It’s happened to me three times: once Vonnegut’s God Bless You Dr. Kevorkian, once with Neil Gaiman’s Coraline (which probably shouldn't count because it’s more of a kids book) and once, last night, with a book called Iowa Trivia.

Iowa Trivia is a fascinating little book that's split into six trivial pursuit-like sections: Geography, Entertainment, History, Arts and Literature, Sports and Leisure, Science and Nature.

What did I learn while tearing through these sections?

I’m glad you asked. I thought I’d share some of the more interesting things I learned in the next couple of posts.

I tried to filter out the stuff that everyone knows, but sometimes it’s hard to know what “everyone” knows, so I apologize in advance for my discretionary errors. I also tried to filter out the stuff that was incredibly lame or obscure (do I really care about some woman from Algona who was casting director for a television series that I’ve never even heard of?) What’s left, I hope, is kind of interesting.

Enjoy!

What I learned about Iowa Geography:

1. Original name of Des Moines?

Fort Raccoon

What a shame we missed out on the euphonious alliteration that could have been the Fort Raccoon Register.

2. Five largest natural lakes in Iowa?

I had difficulties with this one until I realized that it was all towns that had the word lake in them. Then it was easy.

1.East Okoboji Lake

2.West Okoboji Lake

3.Clear Lake

4.Spirit Lake

5.Storm Lake.

Note: the largest body of water, however is Rathbun Dam and Reservoir, located mostly in Appanoose County in southern Iowa.

3. Largest county geographically?

Kossuth

Note: the smallest and youngest county, and the one with the highest point of altitude, is Osceola, which was organized in 1871.

4. Newest (and newest age) town?

Vedic City, incorporated in 2001.

If my memory serves me right, Jefferson County (Vedic City, Fairfield) was the only county that had more percentage of delegates for Kucinich in 2004 than Poweshiek (Grinnell) and Johnson (Iowa City).

Yep. It sure was. Here is a link to the county by county results, where a whopping 29.1% of Jefferson delegates went to Kucinich. Johnson and Poweshiek were next, both giving a measly 7.3%

5. Des Moines population compared to other cities in the nation?

95^th (2000 census). It slipped from 81^st in 1990 due to acute and irreversible brain drainage.

6. Oldest city?

Dubuque. My grandparents live there so this has always intuitively made sense to me.

7. Only basilica (St. Francis of Xavier) in the U.S. outside of a major metropolitan area?

Dyersville.

This fact, combined with the Field of Dreams and a certain national farm toy museum, gets Dyersville my vote for the coolest town in Iowa. Is it any wonder they were chosen as a night stop in this year’s RAGBRAI route?

8. Of the 12 national cemeteries that were dedicated at the same time as Arlington. Which one of them is in Iowa?

Keokuk National Cemetery.

9. Iowa has more mile of roads than how many other states?

Forty. Meaning we are in the top ten. I think that’s one of the reasons RAGBRAI is so successful.

10. Only cities to have their government buildings on an island in the center of the city?

Cedar Rapids and Paris, France.

This fact seems a bit dubious but I’ll take it. Bonus fact: Only town built on an island? Sabula (in the Mississippi and a really cool ending spot for RAGBRAI).

11. Town named after the first letters of the surnames of the eight most prominent citizens?

Primghar.

I probably wouldn’t have included this, but my good friend’s wife is from Primghar. Plus, Mr. P, R, M, G, H, A, and R (all faithful readers!) will be pleased.

Note: Primghar is also the county seat with the smallest population (891).

12. First public high school in Iowa?

Tipton

Hi Emily.

13. The longest and highest bridge crosses what body of water?

Red Rock Lake (Marion County by Pella and Knoxville).

14. Largest Danish settlement in the United States!?

Elk Horn.

I knew there was a long history of Danes there, but largest in the U.S.?

15. Childhood home of Wyatt Earp, before he moved West and became a famous sheriff and professional killer?

Pella

Note: It is also the childhood home of guitarist Dave Keuning. . . before he moved west and became a famous guitarist and professional Killer.

16. Land mass compared to other states?

25^th. Even steven.

17. Name of the nationally designated trail that runs from Cedar Rapids to Waterloo?

Cedar Valley trail.

18. Only county with two county seats?

Lee. (Fort Madison and Keokuk). Henceforth, I will call Lee County "the two headed monster."